Finding the juicy plumpness of now  

A few weeks ago I was meditating when I had the sensation that I was breathing in an ocean of calm, warm, light. As the tide of the ocean rose within me, my body began to float. An energy of the most exquisite, loving peace pierced through me and I lost all sensation of my physical body. Breathing into my heart space I could expand and hold the feeling. I sat there meditating in that space for a long while.

Afterwards, it was if the chatter in my head had been washed clean. Even writing about that experience, I can return to that feeling of cleanness. As if the energy of the breath can move through my head and down my spine freely, without any blockage. In the dusky light, I pulled out my journal.  

“Everything you need is here”, I wrote. “There is nothing to strive for, nothing to do. Just come here to this place and be.”

I had found my way home. The present moment was plump and juicy. I wanted to bite into it and suck all its juices. It was if the circle of my life focus, the things that I spent most of my time ruminating on, had been stretched at the sides so that the obsession on one thing was replaced with a rich appreciation for all things.  A sense of clarity filled my belly and I was struck by the confidence that rested there.   

“Who could I be if I were this person in the world?” I wrote in my journal. “What joy could life be if I could live it from here?”  

The loving blanket of that experience stayed with me for several days. I found myself singing and dancing around the house spontaneously. I went for a walk and I was in awe of the flowers and trees. My husband cracked a joke and I laughed until happy tears welled in my eyes. The confidence stayed with me. I felt strong but graceful and easy.   

Four days later, I got wrapped into an issue at work and it all fell apart. The chattering in my head returned. I spent hours running past events through my head and planning future actions. I lost the sense of the fullness in the moment and the confidence in my belly drained away.  

“How can I be here?” I wrote in my journal. “How can I be living such contrast? I don’t want this life of stress anymore. I want what I know it can be.” 

It is as if I have two selves. The self that stokes the fire of home and lives in warmth and light and the soldier self that goes out to battle every day without really understanding what she is fighting for. The contrast between these two selves is unsettling causing constant dissonance within me. In this space, I understand why one would be a hermit or enter a monastery. It feels so much easier to stay in a state of connection and love when you have few life triggers to pull you from it.  

As tempting as it sounds, I see that joining a monastery would be escaping from the real work that is now required of me. My life is showing me where the work is needed and instead of running to another distraction, I am ready to turn and face it. And so, I wait. I wait to be ready to reconcile my two selves. To find a way to approach the challenges of life with a lightness of being that stretches the edge of the focus and finds the plumpness in the now.  

Last year, I wrote a post to a reader that had asked me a question about work. I shared the following quote from Abraham Hicks and I am heartened by it now as I journey through this phase of my life:  

“I know that I will not always be right here in this place doing this same work. I like understanding that things are always evolving and it is fun to anticipate where I am headed. 

While there are many things that could be better where I am, it is not a problem because where I am is constantly changing to something better. I like knowing that as I look for the best things around me where I am, those things become more prevalent in my experience. 

It is fun to know that things are always working out for me and I watch for the evidence of that … and I see more evidence of that every day.” 

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